† -=Blood=- //\\// -=Rose=- †

i'm feeling rather down and emo-y today.. it was a chain of thoughts that led me there, the emo corner

well

it started with myself taking out my stapler from my pencil case in engineering maths class. my stapler is.. one of a kind, (rather long, can fit a few rows of staples at once, has no plastic 'coverings' and therefore collapsible) i started fiddling with it. i took out the small axle that held all the bits together and dismantled the whole thing. then my friend jeremy, who was sitting beside me, took them and played with it. so i let him and tried to concentrate, but couldn't and just watched him try to make a catapult out of my stapler parts.

then i realised i wasn't paying attention.. it's maths! the subject i'm worst at! i ought to pay more attention.. ugh

i then attended the class with divided attention. what made me worry more was that i knew little to nothing what my lecturer was talking. even if i gave my fullest attention, i wouldn't be able to make nuts what she was talking as it isn't a language. once you miss something, it's gone, never coming again, but i gave my somewhat divided attention anyway.

and then it was cppb. this time, i paid closer attention.
at the end of the class, i summarised the most part of the course to jeremy 'huh? so it's just formula, apply. formula, apply formula, apply.'

and he said 'yeah, that's why i take this course'

"¬_¬

and then i started worrying about not doing well thanks to my poor attention span in class. about me not entering a university. about how i can ever get a job in future.. mind i'm still not very sure what i want to be, or can be, realistically speaking. i wanted to be a fighter pilot.. but i heard you need good grades and qualifications to even be selected.. D:
or a commercial pilot. it'd be nice to fly around, since i don't think i'll be able to get a girlfriend anyway, with such an un-turn-on and shy attitude, i thought then there'll be nothing called 'family or negligance' to anchor me to the ground.
but that idea is rather far-fetched as well, though it's too early to say

then i thought about marriage.... how unfortunate my spouse would be, having little to nil financial support, she probably has to slog her guts out with me to make ends meet. so i cancelled that thought of marrying. then i'll be a bachelor forever, well at least i don't have to make anyone suffer with me. i then thought about myself living alone in a condo (it's my dream home, of course the bigger the better.. terrace, semi-d), and how my friends are successful in the things they do, while i'm.. not. :l

i wonder what they think when they think about me. like whether i'd be successful, or just insignificant. whether they see that i'm hopeful or just this person doing random insignificant things..

how i hate reality.
i thought about suicide, then i thought about how it was such a coward's escape from reality.

oh man i'm feeling so.. no hope!! D: