† -=Blood=- //\\// -=Rose=- †

~~~~~~~
training
~~~~~~~

i can almost front splits on both sides now. just like 1cm off the ground or smth.
i realise every post regarding training.. there's always 'almost this', 'almost that'. when will i ever get it? not that i'm impatient, but just losing hope in myself.

did mega-basics with juniors. i can see that i've lost them cos' i was already straining from horse and bow stances (ma bu, gong bu). my palm has never been straight and proper as it should, despite really straining till my forearms hurt from the lactic acid build-up..

collected application forms from amir.. only. seems like he's the only one who brought. :l
slacked much.. skipped the basic kicks and felt guilty.. went to do jumps

xfj-ed. coach ky said.. nearly there nearly there.. but i'm just too beat to make my leg kick through qucikly..

bai lian-ed. i've lost the nicenice-feel bai lian i once had.
landed one badly and hurt my right heel.

bf-ed. dunno what to say la

fj-ed. slacked through it due to shin splints. felt shitty not being able to do my best.

ckf-ed. slacked it much as my energy was sapped. i was told that i was throwing my torso too much down.


despite drinking TWO red bulls CONSECUTIVELY, i was just wasted. my legs were trembling a little even before joining in for training.

i was jio-ed to go train tmr.. don't know whether i should. :l
i'll have to cycle to school cos i've got no money left in card and i'm not willing to spend my remaining ten. what if it rains? damn i didn't think about that..

i was playing with 2 daos as shuangs and was doing that crazy swingthing and coach ky told me not to do it as i may get poisoned by wrong technique. quite demoralising.

went back with a wandering mind. forced myself to one-leg hop up.


i guess my right leg is almost completely busted. i'll list my injuries

- hurt (a bit) hip flexor (kua) from xfj
- shin splint from mostly fei jiao and prerequisites
- hurt heel from poor landing of bai lian
- hurt foot from poor braking while running during capt's ball and maybe also cos i dropped half a shuang dao on my bare foot

the only thing that's left are my knee and thigh.

new trick i learnt today: throw (with spin) shaungs and catch simultaneously. not all the time, not perfect.

~~~~~~~~~
emo season
~~~~~~~~~

i'm feeling suicical-emo right now. don't know why. it's probably seasonal or something. just. suicidal. negative.

feel like quitting wushu.. but probably i might regret it later when i'm off-season.

i feel like talking to someone about this.. but i don't want to also.
cos when u share your problems with someone, in my eyes, i'm just as good as begging for attention and begging for someone to make me feel better, begging for praise and all that.
(BUT!!!!! it's totally FINE to share your problems with me. i won't think that way. really. i like to counsel.)

though naturally for some, they may think it's completely fine that way.. but not for me.

just feel like going to some totally deserted place and like.. cry there or something. cry over literally nothing. like in space.. where it's just you and nothing else. no one else.

but i also realised, if i really quit wushu and cut connections with friends.. i'm technically begging for their concern. cos they'll think like 'where joel go, where joel go' something like that.

same goes for suicide. cutting seem like the closest thing to suicide without the 'begging'. i'll just hope that i 'accidentally' cut myself with the swords. using a razor to intentionally cut is just.. too expected. i guess i'm afraid of pain too. i realise it's not scary or anything when you accidentally cut yourself or something, cos you're not expecting it. whereas if you're expecting to be cut, natually you'll be more defensive, thoughts and emotions spreading like wildfire.


Currently: State of confusion
Conclusion: Suicidal, still.
Feel like: grabbing skates and skate around, alone some unknown street, blasting songs with melacholic melodies. real. melancholic.

didn't mean to reveal so much/at all. now it seems like i'm begging YOU (yes you, the reader, thnx for reading anyways) for attention and concern. i hate to owe, so please don't try to make me feel better cos i'll just feel worse. kthnxbai, sorry for being blunt. i'll be fine with relation to T, time. haha graphsss