† -=Blood=- //\\// -=Rose=- †

it's been a long while. 2 years i think? anyway, this place is merely my catharsis.

i've been feeling horrible since friday, when jaston, ming zhou and kiran were attacking my faith, and attacking christianity. on top of my search for either a used car, as my current baby 2005 bmw 320 is reaching its end of service in singapore.

I ask the Lord, why? Why do these naysayers, let alone non-believers have it all good? they come from pretty well-off families (jaston was born with a platinum spoon, with all the cars and houses in singapore) btw. i thought, they definitely don't deserve all that. especially not with their belief, and also their ability to earn. they are still merely kids, spending money like water and having no worries. yet here i am, working two jobs, one of which i only get $530/mth in the 'defence' of the country, the other zilch, or perhaps i'm even putting my own money in sometimes, let alone travelling expenses and such. i'm really betting a lot on my faith on Cephas to grow.

seeing those spoilt brats get whatever they want and not having any monetary worries really gets me. why does God bless them with such gifts, while yet they probably worship idols?! i'm working so hard here on my expense, praying to God for his grace and blessings, barely getting by every month. my future is still so bleak. I think Andjelita is overestimating me also. Where does her faith in me come from? Sometimes i can't even tell her not to put so much hope on me, but saying that will only crumble her. i don't even have hope on myself. i just hate myself, hate the way i am, hate my life!

sigh...

I know God loves me and may He light my path.