† -=Blood=- //\\// -=Rose=- †

I really really just need someone to understand me sometimes. Right now, I feel like a PMS-ing girl. I'm just overwhelmed by my workload that pays zilch, transitioning from NSF back to society, future work plans, future this future that.

My current 'job' as a manager for a music school is really really taking a toll on my social life and mental health. I have to keep track of this, keep track of that, keep track of things that I don't even know needs keeping track of. Get things done. Make things work. All by myself.

I thought having a girlfriend would make me feel much better emotionally. On the contrary, she's making it worse and ironically, she's probably the heaviest of the load. On one hand I feel like crumbling, on the other, I can't show her that side of me, let alone talk about my problems. Otherwise she'll go into panic mode and worry worry worry. WORRY FUCKSHIT FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!! I hate that fucking shitass word: Worry. FUCK THAT WORD. If it were a person, I'd flay him and do so many painful things to him and make him too weak to live, too strong to die, just skimming  the surface of death. And when she asks: How? Then how? Jo? How? FUCK THAT WORD TOO! FUCK IT ALL!!!!!! I can't explode also, otherwise it'll make things worse with her. It just seems that I can't tell her any of my problems. When I open up to her my feelings of negativity, she'll just say that she will do it all by herself or just give up on it. Are there any words of sympathy or encouragement? And then she'll focus the problem back to herself, and in the end I'm the one comforting her. She also simply disregards my advises to make us a happy couple. Every time I tell her something that annoys me, she'll say 'yeah right'. She come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid admitting that she is the problem and she needs to change! A couple is supposed to be supportive of each other, but I guess I'm the only one doing the supporting. So one-sided. Lately ideas of breaking up keep coming to my head. I ask myself: is this really worth it? Not because of the age difference, but because of how much I give into the relationship versus her.

I just want something to kill me, so I can leave this all behind and go to heaven already.

I'm so sad.