† -=Blood=- //\\// -=Rose=- †

It's been shit long since I've posted anything, mainly because i really didn't feel the need to. I Had someone to confide in for a short while. keyword: had. the other reason being that, well.. no one to read my blog posts and empathize with me, and a blog doesn't do that either. Sigh.

Sometimes I feel that in most close friendships, I'm the one who always have to compromise, and give way. always the one putting my pride aside to save the friendship. I've lost a close friend in secondary school because I wanted to go my own way. Actually, I don't really remember what we quarreled over, instead, I only remember the good times. I feel quite indebted to him, for those good times. That being said, I always feel that I'm the one always taking advantage of my friend, whether for real or not. I never seem to count the good things I do for my friends, yet I count the ones they do to me, hence, I owe them. Is it good to think this way? :l Don't know is it called thick skinned to even realize this.

I feel insignificant compared to my friends and seniors. Whenever I listen to their stories, be it an arc of events or just something over the weekend, I wish I was the one saying that instead. Like to just awe and inspire people like how they inspire me. That sense of enlightenment I feel when I think about the way my Ex-President does things, how come I'm not as good as her? Why am I so lazy and.. just not as great? Or.. say in an adventure camp. How the camp chiefs, group leaders etc. are so domineering and I seem to feel an aura of greatness around them. When I think about me, especially now since I'm President of my club, I just feel lousy. I feel that I'm a joke and am just struggling to perform duty. Even in my friends, I feel that most of them are better than me. If it's not grades (which is very unlikely), then it's financially or the way they do things or simply just a trait they have which I find commendable.

I admire my friends who can get a part time job and study at the same time. Okay, maybe they don't have commitment like I do, but I doubt I'll be doing likewise even if i didn't have commitment. Is this low self-esteem? I'm just very uncertain of myself.

Sigh. God help me. :l