Low..... l:

yay backflips.

why am i not feeling all that excited, as i thought i might?

perhaps it's because i've had help getting it?

most probably it is..

not that it isn't fun or anything, but i think maybe it came a bit too easy, like there was the analysis of the technique of nearly three years to get it, and not slanted too (not backwards), and there was the gradual training of various jumps that lead to the move itself. perhaps i've not landed it on floor yet. all this while is still backflip to mat. or perhaps i haven't done it in front of a bunch of 'normal' people (people who aren't as exposed to cool moves, whereas wushu and gymnastics people might probably go 'meh')

or perhaps after getting my backflips all nice and high, i'll teach myself to layout backflip, flash kick, fulltwist.. and a myriad of other backflipping tricks.

i've JUST thought about 'why do i wanna learn flips so much? what will it get me? where will it bring me?'. it struck me hard. yeah.. why? maybe right now, as i'm feeling low, i'm unable to answer myself as the 'normal' me does.

yeah, i'm feeling all low-y, but this one relates to relationships

i used to be able to 'love' or 'like' a girl so readily a while back, p6 to sec3 period.
although i don't really get the girl, it still feels.. umm.. hopeful, to even have that feeling. that maybe one fine day she might see a good quality in me. so i'd dress and act all cool and stuff, bombard myself with fragrant deodorants, and even bother to spend time on my hair, even though i was already running late and risking my student councilor position.

haha.. really pathetic huh? :l

but now, i just feel so empty inside. sometimes i'd question myself when i see a really beautiful girl- nope, not 'pretty', not 'chio', not 'hot', not 'mmmmpphhh!!!', what will happen if she became my girlfriend? then i'd answer myself.. nothing will happen.

some of my closer girl-friends, i'd also wonder whether i like them as just friends, or more. i can't tell anymore. i fell for my best friend once, but i was also afraid it would ruin our relationship.. but now.. i dunno

i know i'm not alone, not without my sec sch friends, poly friends and wushu friends.
yet i feel so lonely
i wanna love and be loved
yet i'm afraid to love

it totally sucks, this dilemma

they say love could be at first sight
but when i go about my daily business, i get the frequent eye-contact with girls. no, seriously. they're quite good-looking too. then i'd automatically break that eye-contact as quick as lightning come and go. i'd then wonder what they'd be thinking. my first practical guess is always 'pervert!' or something along the negative lines, though i end up hoping for 'gosh, he's cute/cool' or something positive. lol
then i'd think about the outcome of having a girlfriend. what would happen? what would change?

it is also said that loving someone else takes courage too. i've got all the courage to do flips and twists, all the courage that risk myself getting hurt physically and laugh about it later. but i've got nil for loving another again. yes i've loved before. and got hurt. i didn't laugh. i cried.


recently, i've read suhui's blog. i said she was really lucky to have yikeng to listen to her. i added a :)
well, for me. i don't need a girl to listen to me. i just want her to be by my side; in each other's arms.

then quite sometime ago, suhui also said 'you can tell me your problems'. i was definitely all 'what...?', i guess it's due to my parentage. i've never been raised to share my problems, the kind in which you can share with loving parents. but my parents are the traditional practical sort. it's either you tell me something that needs to be done, or else beat it. i've tried it, they definitely didn't give me the type of comforting answer i was hoping to get, but much more of a reprimand of 'why did such a thing happen'. i've since learned to bottle up any of my problems and emotions and show a steady front, 'or i'll get scolded and end being angry on top of depressed'. so um anyway, even if i told suhui, or anyone my problems, it's really not the same from the type you'd get from a lover. though it may be the same answer line for line. if anyone other than my lover or REALLY close friend allowed me to confide in them, i'd feel like i've been mocked at, though i know that's not their intention.

i'm all out of hope now. lost. i would rather have my heart ache for someone, than feel empty.
heck :l