† -=Blood=- //\\// -=Rose=- †

9 in the morn, my dad woke me and asked me to go fishing with him.. sadly i had to reject him cos of my events later. and then he turned around without a word as i fell back to sleep the next second. felt AWFULLY guilty man.. wanted to cancel my appointment with weixiang they all so i can spend time with my dad. this would be the last chance to have quality time with him for 8 weeks la, and i passed it. :(


i then left bed at 1115 after tossing around in it the last 20 mins. turned on my comp and discussed with eliza the gems thing. well.. she asked me to take gems with her some days back. so i ok lor. bathed and discussed abit more. left house at 1150. i'll be late as usual. as usual.

reached city hall at 1220. that's pretty late innit? was supposed to be there by 12. oh well.. what are you gonna do, joel? late for everything else the rest for your life? late for exams, NS, wedding (if it's gonna happen), anniversary, big meetings, work affairs, retirement and probably death? hahaha

from there we walked to bras basar and had lunch. we then went to some special printing shop to print stuff regarding grad night.
then we walked to bugis somewhere there and bought some more grad night things. i was prompted by fellow companions to make choices and/or decisions since i was the 'overall head' for the event and the IC for the even wasn't there. had to plan out the decors as well.. which i totally forgot about and hence wasn't ready for it. so many things forgotten. ._. i'm beginning to question myself whether i'm cut out to be a position holder or be just a follower. hey, at least being a follower you don't have to care so much about this and that. probably the main thing i worry most about is failure. just like i failed to be a filial son to my dad and accompany him. :l

if you were wondering, yeah i feel like i've hit rock-bottom right now.
while discussing the decors in KFC and as i just looked around absentmindedly.. and as i saw liyan, weixiang and fadhil discussing importantly as i just sort of semi-stoned and as singhai slept on the table, i thought to myself 'hey man, why aren't you discussing with them? why aren't you leading them as you're supposed to? you're not doing your job.. you're gonna let people down man.' and then i thought to myself some more 'let people down..', the next word that came to my head bolded on a white background 'Expectations'. why will you let people down? because you fail to meet their expectations. they'll lose confidence in you in time to come and will just shunt you aside in their minds labelled 'unreliable', or 'carbon copy', something like that. i felt like just saying 'aiya whatever la.. just do can already la. don't think anymore..', and felt like just passing on the responsibility to someone else. i didn't care who, just as long as it's off my shoulders. and then a wild thought struck and left my head like lightning. 'quit'.

quit. quitting is a cowardly and irresponsible approach to problems. mind i wouldn't even approach a problem that way. although it'll free you of troubles temporarily, you'll also label yourself as such for the rest of your life, if you have guilty conscience, which i think you can clearly tell by now i have quite a lot.

after that flash of a thought, i began to feel low that might have led to now.

anyway, after the discussions, we went to some party stall and bought some balloons. i had to pay 10 bucks :'(
and we went to toa payoh's popular to buy more stuff like colour paper and staples. i had to pay.... again. )':

at then, i had an epiphany. 'when you have money, quickly get something you really desire. as the money will just be used for food and other small little things which you won't take much notice until you have none left'

while browsing the bookstore, i came upon punchcards and more office material. i felt sick to the gut at the sight of those. honestly being the low i already was, i felt even lower. i asked weixiang out loud what he felt when i showed it to him, which i forgot what but i rmb it was rather neutral. i then told him 'i feel tied down, enslaved and miserable'. i then told them my views of an office career.

imagine this every weekday 9 - 5. you walk into a cubicle and start work. your personal things scattered about and your work things in piles. everyday paper work. everyday mundane activities. telephones ringing in the distance and the blacksheep of the office being yelled at by the guy that is feeding him, you and the people adjacent to you. you could be next eh. just like waiting to strike lottery, except you wouldn't want to strike it. so i told them i die die won't ever work in an office.

after that, we went to play an hour of pool before meeting up with some of them.
we ate and went back for more pool. had to wait bloody long for tables. while that, we all played on the machines, spot the difference. got 2nd, 3rd and 4th on the top scores.. we were always at least 1 or 2 pictures away from getting the top.

xingyan then left before we even started as it was too late then.
we finally had tables and played till we were able to catch the last train back. woah.. super lucky.
came back and here i am, typing this and feeding on stone-cold leftovers.

life sucks