finally! i'm freed from this dratted curse that is infatuation! what is infatuation you ask? it's the tireless and incessant habit of thinking about someone! for my case, it's well.. her la. haha! but no more! what's left is the aftermath of the disease. sure, i'd be jealous a bit when i see that she's hanging out with a new guy now. but that'll only take time to go away before i stop giving a flying duck. i'm actually done trying to impress her or get her out or even talk to her. i mean, well, other girls deserve a chance to meet me too! haha! think skin.. :p
though, i still have the lingering disappointment when i check my phone for messages. even the thought of checking my phone for messages disappoint me already. so recently i've been keeping my phone far away from me. like i shove it under the pillow during daylight and bury it under the rubble on my desk night time. i've also switched off my computer much earlier than usual so as to prevent me from facebook-stalking her, and read my book instead.
i'm going clubbing with her sec sch friends and her. i hope we clique well! i'm pretty open-minded now.. but i worry that i might be.. weird. haha. socially-awkward penguin and too self-conscious person i am. so after clubbing tmr, i really hope i get the chance to talk to her privately and seriously about our.. friendship. i want us to acknowledge that it's going downhill, and point out the differences of then and now; when we first started talking to.. whatever this is now. i also wanna sincerely apologize to her face that i was being insecure and that i kept pestering her for her attention or something. i know she's sick of me already, so.. yeah. :l also wanna ask whether was there anything i did that spooked her or ticked her off that made her stop talking to me or lost interest, cuz it was kinda sudden that she did. and i hope in future we can still hang out or something. i'd hope we still be friends cuz i've got a LOT to learn from her. it totally sounds like a grown-up handling a break up right? if i were to break up with someone, i'd do it this way. so anyway. after i've said all that to her, i'll leave her alone already. close this chapter and move on. hopefully after the night, when i wake, i'll be a much happier person. and i don't have to avoid my phone anymore. then if in future we happen to 'date' or anything again, well, it'll take her a lot to win me over, i swear. i'd be reminded of the bad times which is.. this. and it'd be awkward too. just like i can't imagine liking xiao jing again. i won't be happy if she suddenly told me she likes me and want us to blossom. by her i mean not xiao jing. heck, i'll say the name la. shi min. it'll just be awkward!
sigh. now i'll have to experience this feeling of void. srsly. hate it. just when i get accustomed to the void, i meet another great girl who will not be interested in me and the cycle repeats. thank god army will be my saviour!
meanwhile, i'm learning how to shuffle and do tecktonic dance on youtube! it's so damn simple actually. it's just coordination. i guess the only challenging part for me is to do it to a beat. sometimes i suspect i'm technically-inclined. and i wonder how come i didn't go to normal-tech when i was in sec sch. hmm.. maybe it's cos i didn't really try at studying. i mean, i usually just START studying 2 days before a paper. cramming the entire semester in 48hours, take away sleep, travelling, eating and distraction time, i'm left studying for some 18hours or so. and i usually scrape a passing mark, or sometimes even a C+ when i happen to get a concept quicker. geez, i wish i was hard-working. it's better than being smart. but being smart is good too! :) you can train to be hard-working, but you can't exactly train to be smart right! haha!
speaking of smart, i got accepted into NDU! not NTU, i wish. Naval Diving Unit! T'is the most xiong unit in the army so they say. they say every diver can be a commando, but not every commando can be a diver. i really wish i do well, despite my MANY injuries old and new! how many ligaments damaged, i don't know. all i know is that i won't live a day without medication when i'm old! my friend whom i made there, terence, sadly didn't. :( his passion for it seems stronger than mine. he knows more about it than i do, but he didn't make it. which is why 'smart' brought the subject. i'm not saying i'm smarter than him. i think he's actually smarter than i am. i think during the vocational assessment, the psychological test is the factor that separated us. i genuinely gave the test my all; i suspect that the emotional trauma that happened to him recently then and his lack of sleep really screwed him up. he kept talking about his ex. 'my ex' this, 'my ex' that. i can tell he's still not hung up on her. all the best to him in tekong!
after army, i wanna try air force again. after the 2.5 years since i took the COMputerised Pilot ASSessment test. then i can fly commercial airlines after i'm done with the jets. i think that's one of my passions.
i hope the passion i find next(and hopefully i stick to it to the end) includes heavily on books, knowledge and study. i really wanna try to excel academically this time. i know i don't give my best in academy, cuz compared that to wushu, i never really pushed myself at all. unlike in wushu, despite injuries and fatigue, i can still TRY to throw a roundoff backflip or a double butterfly twist, and not think of the consequences. i really wanna know whether is it true whether if i put my mind to it, i'd top it? stunt-wise, i top in wushu, and that's all i care about actually in wushu, and i still wanna try even crazier stuff like fulltwists with swords.
after army, i hope i would have found a more realistic passion so i can devote my time and energy to it 24/7. when i've done that, i won't care whether i'm attached or not, or whether i'll have a life or not. mm.. i take the latter back after second thoughts. haha! but i seriously doubt i'll care about a girlfriend. :) and then HA! TAKE THAT, GIRLS! revenge on girls. they can't have the awesome person that i am!
haha! alright, enough of nonsense. anyway, i'm glad that i could express myself like this. i'm clearer in my direction now :)
thank you for existing, blog! :D
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hey Joel! It's nice to read that you're still updating your blog, even though you've been facing some unhappiness from girls. Girls eh! Got to hand it to you for daring to be so forward with the girls though. It's ok to lose all these girls you thought possible to keep, it's through losing continuously that you will then find the one who is worth keeping. Sounds very confusing, but that's what I can observe from people and experiences anyway. (And I guess that's the kind of thing that happens to Ted Mosby eventually at the end of How I Met Your Mother.)
ReplyDeleteCongratulations for getting NDU by the way :) I don't know much about these things, but from what you said, it must be damn honorable to be a part of the diving unit. Awesome.
Anyway, good luck on finding the right girl for you. I don't really think that it'd be that hard for you to find someone, more like it's difficult for other people to appreciate you. Then again, that's their loss. :)
- beverley (your sec sch classmate haha)